To give you a little background--> 6 months prior to the evening described below I was serving on the hostile streets of South Central Los Angeles and experiencing the heart of Christ. I only spent a month in Los Angeles, but the precicous, challenging, and heart-wrenching moments I spent there radically impacted my thoughts, behaviors, and life. As you're about to see, even though 6 months had passed since my time in LA, I was still having trouble "adjusting" back into our culture. But as a I re-read this two years later, I realize that I'll never "adjust" back into society and revert back to my former assumptions about humanity and ways of viewing our world. Anyway, here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a dear friend while wrestling with the tensions caused by my own personal convictions.

This evening I went to a lavish and extravagant caroling party in a luxurious mansion. Platters of delectable food where arranged in each room, free bar with exclusive top-shelf liquors, hired servants, orate decorations. Painted ceilings with gold trim, murals in the bathrooms, the finest china and the most expensive crystal wear. Middle-aged elites floating from room to room with a loaded drink in hand just drifting through life.

How can this be?

How can this be happening while people are starving and freezing to death tonight, in giant cities and small towns all across America? How can they be stuffing their mouths and not see they are starving? How can a barbershop quartette go room to room singing classic hymns celebrating the birth of Jesus and not have their words pass the crest of their recipients' ears?

How can everyone gather in the grand entryway on the master stairwell for a pomp speech promptly followed by CHRISTmas carols... sin and error pining, the earth felt its weight, holy redeemer, righteous, mercy, grace, salvation, King... and not see it, what will it take for their drunken rosy cheeks to turn pale from the reality of the world (then to certainty in their calling by the great commission and commandment)?

That the blood from starving children and homeless people are on our hands? How can we sing about the redemptive power of Christ, about His majesty, our holy reconciliation... how we they sing about and "agree" with Jesus, but not live like Him? It doesn't work that way!!!

I'm disgruntled by "Christians". Christian has come to mean something far different than Christ intended, its not about "strict religious laws" that govern the new reality TV hit about an EXTREME CHRISTIAN family who has 18 kids, or my friend's "uber religious" extended family who beat their children when they misbehave, or the people at this party making petty jabs at one another from their comfortable and crass state of reality.

An EXTREME CHRISTIAN is John Perkins, is Shane Clairborne, is Mother Teresa, is St. Francis Assis, is Paul, is Mike Sylvester.

Even with all our education and access to information we still disregard humanity and withdraw from her cries. Instead of pouring your money into a crystal glass with a gold rim, how about pouring out our life to change another's- how about investing in eternity- how about opening the 66 book love letter and experiencing the most ravishing love ever known? How about taking down the mask and exposing the deeply rooted pain in an atmosphere of acceptance and support so that they can care for themselves, then others? How about being an Extremist for Grace, or even just banishing the false security of ignorance?

God, turn their hearts, put people IN LOVE with You in their lives, expose them to their needs, bless them with someone to radically love them, give them the courage to go deeper, wreck them with your love, overcome their hearts with your joy, draw near to them in the dark seasons, grasp and cleanse their thoughts, make them yours, let Your Will run wild in their lives.

::loaded sigh:: My hands just left the keyboard to meet my face, to hold it while my mind raced with dichotomous thoughts and a longing. After reading what I want God to do in their lives, I see that I want the exact same thing. I don't want to squander this life. I refuse to drink the lukewarm elixirs of this world that seduce me into believing lies until I been lulled to sleep, wholly ineffective and completely lost. When will I realize those things? How many more times will I look to someone/thing to verify my worth? When will I finally be able to live in freedom? Why is this such an arduous process?

These are people, just like me. But more importantly, these people are God's creation.

Initially I was uncertain if I wanted to attend this party bc ever since Urban Project it has been difficult for me to attend events where wealth oozes from every orifice, dangling most noticeably on the ends of attendees sentences, but I decided to go. I knew it would be extravegent and that I would feel uneasy about it, but that I would also try to enjoy the host's hospitality and graciousness in opening his home to his friends and partners.

I prayed -before I left, during conversations, in each room- that God would break forth with striking truth wrapped in the utmost grace and tenderness as He captured their attention. And for myself, that I would love myself in all my imperfections and love His creation well, engaging others with acceptance and gentleness.

Unfortunately for this letter, like most of the things I write to people, was never actually sent. Instead, this excerpt has spent the last few years roaming around my laptop's hard-drive, only to be inadvertently discovered after speaking with another friend about the difficulties of re-entering "society" after a life changing experience. It's a glimpse of my heart during one of its more combative, conflicted, confused times.

Tell us about a situation you've had a difficult time sorting through... What are some things you question about yourself or societal traditions or cultural norms? Can you come up with a good way to celebrate (the bounty we've been blessed with) while also being morally/socially/biblically conscience? Can rejoicing and grieving be fully experienced at the same time... should they be... what does that mean to you? Expose your thoughts

Its been a long, l o n g time since I last posted and my actual moleskine is bursting with ideas that are itching to be released. Apparently, they feel bound. So, in retaliation, they keep hurling nagging and piercing comments. They are begging to be released from their paged cages. I told them that I've lost my touch, that I don't have the time, and that I won't be able to reflect their original intent or poignancy in a way that's both intriguing and palatable... they didn't seem to like my excuses. This is where YOU come in. You hold the power to liberate any of these ideas! All you need to do is select 1-3 ideas by replying with a comment stating which one(s) you want to be unleashed.

Pick 1-3 ideas to be released, here's a brief list:

Upon what do we "assign" worth and value to people- power, identity, ability, etc? thats not very "christian" but its reality for all of us at least at some point

Crisis of Justice (nature of God, we're here & sent, He's still bigger, current US system= inadequate & dehumanizing. Positivies of rehab programs, but budget cuts... etc)

Iron Fist of Rationale

Arrogance of Empirical Science

Women as pawns for International Attacks on Cultural and Value- ie. French problems w burqua, sudanese woman being jailed for wearing slacks, etc

Power of Humans = cultural exclusion

Walls of Social Protection (think isolation, exclusion, logos, etc)

Servant Church, not Emergent

Metaphors explain the unknown in therms of the known

A person's faults/junk are often what make them likable, approachable, & relatable

Post Christianity

The sin of apathy

Interconnectedness of American consumption & international plight

Incongruent Messages

Spiritual Guilt

You act out only the amount you understand

Inclusive lifestyle, exclusive message

If you're not prepared to be wrong, you'll never come up with anything original

It's crazy how you can control someone when they hate themselves more than the acts they're committing

I'm sitting at a coffee shop, with several undeveloped ideas, Truths, and lessons that I would like to share with you; so, I'll just list a few of them to revisit later...  

Topics for later expansion regarding what I've learned during the first 7 weeks of Colorado Project 2009:

I'm spending the summer in Ft. Collins, Colorado, with Athletes In Action and do not have internet access at the house, thus I will not be posting very often.  :/  However,  I am dedicating time to reading great authors and writing consistently over the next 8 weeks, so maybe I'll occasionally bike to a local coffee shop and expose you to the thorny river of thought that's snaking through my brain? 

Its hard to believe that Easter was only a week ago, it seems like a month has passed. I was sitting in church today when Garth, our worship leader, kindly reminded us that Easter was last week... I thought about how much anticipation and excitement I have leading into Easter Sunday.
Each year buds and blossoms take over campus trumpeting the arrival of Spring, which means it won't be long until we find the scent of sweet orange trees floating along the breeze between classes. Cool mornings give way to warm evenings, sidewalks unroll, street signs smile, everyone perks up, and Arizona has never looked more beautiful.

Easter is exciting and perfect. [and sometimes comical. Take, for instance, how each year on Easter Sunday nearly all Christian women (including myself) tend to grow about 2 inches. haha] What a glorious time of remembrance, repentance, service, sacrifice, atonement, community, mystery, reflection, life, light, and hope! One that I look forward to with more anticipation and eagerness than any other day in the entire year.

And then today came... only 7 days after my favorite day of the year.

I have such great anticipation for Easter! Yet today, after the decorations had been taken down, after the excitement and emotional high of "Easter Sunday" had worn off, after the countdown had ended, I found myself wondering how I could have let this happen. How could I "forget" and "move on"? How could I allow myself to live with less excitement and anticipation for Jesus just because "Easter Sunday" had passed? As I sat there in church today I was disappointed with myself for allowing the craziness of school to persuade me into giving it a place of significant importance in my life, thus earning a majority of my time. For me, last week was insane with exams, papers, debates, presentations, etc etc etc... but I have no excuse. I looked back on last week and only saw minor changes in the amount of time I was spending with God, which is no bueno.

I think this is one reason why God told the Israelites to pick up stones from the Jordan and build a memorial so they would never forget what He has done for them. God knew life was going to get crazy and that we're very good at becoming wrapped up in our own kingdoms (especially when deadlines are pressing down and seem so important). God also knew we'd need a visual reminder because satan is sneaky and aids in our "forgetting". The devil is an active and manipulative craftsman, subtly equipping us with the ability to rationalize our poor choices, neglect important areas of our life, and isolate ourselves/thoughts. He places all the tools we need to drift away right in our hand. He's good at what he does... subtly corrupting and destroying the sons and daughters of the King and killing His perfect creation... leaving a series of gaping wounds as his trail markers.

I've been lured down that path before, the one that's comfortable and gradual, the one that left me ripe for temptation and beaten by the lies I came to believe. But the Lord pulled me up from the pit and placed me on solid ground- I don't want to go back! Yet, every now and then, I can see a little satan in my life. I can feel him tip-toeing around, hiding in the shadows of my fears, lurking behind my insecurities. I've caught him trying weave pride, arrogance, and impatience into my day.

But some days I don't see him, some days I don't feel him, some days I don't catch him... and those are the scary days. Those are the days I look at my schedule and "move past" spending true, quality time with God. Those are the days I'm too busy and have too much work to do, so I "put off" or "reschedule" devotional and prayer times. Those are the days that lead to days like today. Those are the days I need Him the most.

Then there comes times like this evening, when I toss off all (okay, realistically, a majority of) that crap, ask God to pull up the weeks that are chocking me, and carve out time to be with Him. I'm not going to lie though, it wasn't much... it wasn't even as much as it used to be earlier in the year. Things aren't "all better" and I haven't figured out how to have my behaviors be a reflection of my beliefs in practice. What I know trumps what I feel, so I'm working on co-laboring with Christ to believe and know that my identity, worth, value, and vindication are not contingent upon anything I do. (which for as many times as i've 'leanred' that truth, that lie still seems to taunt me)

My purpose is to know Him and make Him known.

So tonight, seven days past Easter, I rededicate myself to that purpose and the perspective shifts, priority changes, and daily decisions that a choice like that entails. Because in all honesty, I have a "memorial stone" from an important time time in my life... one that I'm setting in a more prominent place in my room (a focal point of sorts) that will (hopefully) continuously remind me of what the Lord has done for me, His truths, and my commitment. I've been distracted recently and am in need of a focal point because I want to activate my faith through surrender and walk in the freedom and peace the Lord has already given me.

Since January 2009 I have been working with Women and the Law. Recently, I have focused solely on violent (heterosexual) sex crimes in the United States, resulting in a paper titled, “Horny Laws and Shrewd Perspectives: Rebuking, Repairing, and Rebuilding Rape Law.” I mention this because researching and writing on that topic slowly, but ferociously, began to consume my life. I drudged through numerous laws, court rulings, books, articles, and documentaries to write that paper, all of which resulted in an extreme and (usually) frustrated critique of the law’s current interpretations and practices along with charged opinions about apathy, ignorance, and the reinforcement of myths.

Previous to that paper, I was like a majority of Americans, misinformed and relatively ignorant in regards to rape and gendered violence. But now, I have been exposed a reality I never knew existed… and I can’t seem to walk away, nor do I want to. While I am no longer sweating under deadlines or feverishly working to revise that paper, I haven’t stopped analyzing and taking special note of information pertaining to that subject. Unfortunately, I don’t have conclusive answers or even the address of whom your grievances should be addressed, but I am acquiring insight and information that I would like to pass along to you.

More than likely, you’re under the veil of at least two preposterous rape myths, thus I am temped to begin fracturing your brain with statistics and court cases, but I will refrain.

Instead, I will leave you with a couple outrageous articles that a friend sent me today. The first one has to do with Rape Kits. *It is important to note that, in America, approximately 4 million women are raped each year and do not report it (RAINN statistics).* The second and third posting are on the same subject but the authors offer slightly different information, background, and perspectives on what I, too, wish was a sick April Fool's joke from Afghanistan.

Let me know what you think:
Is there such a thing as non-violent rape? Should those kits be thrown out? Should the statute of limitations be changed? Should they run the kits, identify who they can and wait for the men to strike again? Should the women that have them those kits be notified? ...?...

What do human rights mean on a global scene with so man cultures and religious practices? Who should (or should anyone) intervene when institutions of power overtly oppress their people? Who’s problem is it? ...?...
What is your reaction to Clawson’s last full paragraph?




12,000 rape kits, untested
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 03:22 PDT
And now for something completely frustrating: While prosecutors across the country indict teens for taking topless pictures of themselves, police departments in Los Angeles ignore evidence that could help prosecute thousands of cases of violent rape.

Tracy Clark-Flory first wrote about the LAPD rape kits backlog in October, but since then the numbers have gotten even worse: Human Rights Watchreported Tuesday that more than 12,000 rape kits are sitting around untested in L.A. County police departments and crime labs. The kits (taken by an often excruciating, 4-6-hour process) are intended to help prosecute sexual assaults -- as HRW investigator Sarah Tofte writes on Women's eNews, the kits contain DNA and other evidence collected from victims' bodies and clothes immediately after the crime, and they have the potential to identify rapists, corroborate victims' accounts of assaults and exonerate innocent defendants. Of course, in order to serve those functions, the kits have to actually be used. Nearly 500 of L.A.'s untested kits are attached to cases that have passed the 10-year statute of limitations for rape in California, making it impossible to prosecute rapists even if they were to be identified. Thousands more kits have been destroyed untested.

Over-capacity crime labs are by no means unique to LA. According to a federal Census of Publicly Funded Crime Laboratories, crime labs across the country would need to increase their analyst staff by 73 percent to keep up with the need for DNA testing. Since 2004, Congress has allotted millions of dollars to help jurisdictions cut down their DNA backlogs, but the program doesn't stipulate just how the money should be spent. Rape kits, apparently, haven't made it to the top of L.A. police departments' priority lists.

The good news is that a model exists for jurisdictions that want to fix their DNA-testing systems. In 2003, New York City created a policy that ensures every booked rape kit is sent to a lab and tested within 60 days. Prosecutors and police created a special team to investigate rape kit DNA matches. As a result, the city has eliminated its rape kit backlog and seen an increase in arrest and prosecution rates for rape.



Afghanistan legalizes marital rape
1 April 2009
Shortly after Hillary Clinton called the failure of U.S. aid to Afghanistan"heartbreaking," there came some illustrative news: President Hamid Karzai has legalized rape within marriage. You might ask, nervously: This is a sick April Fool's joke, right? Sadly, no, this is a sick reality.

The law gives husbands free reign over their wives

The law, which applies to the minority Shia population, renders meaningless sexual consent within marriage. A Shia woman is allowed to refuse her husband sex if she is sick, but otherwise she has no sexual say-so. As if that weren't enough of a blow to female freedom, the law, believed to be a desperate bid by Karzai for reelection this summer, also stipulates that women must have their husband's permission to leave the house.

In sum, the Shia Family Law legally codifies that common, if taboo, cross-cultural belief that a husband deserves free reign over his wife's body -- oh,and his daughters' bodies. The law bars women from having custody of their own children and endorses child marriage.

Human rights activists say the law annihilates the progress made on women's rights since the fall of the Taliban. In fact, some say it actually makes things "worse than during the Taliban." Mm-hm: Worse than the women-hating (-imprisoning, -beating, -flogging, -mutilating, -stoning) Taliban.



Afghanistan’s Anti-Woman Law
by Julie Clawson 04-03-2009
Last month Afghanistan’s Parliament passed a new law that severely restricts the rights of women. Although the Afghan constitution calls for equal rights for men and women, this new law imposes standards that some say are worse than what the Taliban demanded. This law forbids women to leave their homes except for emergencies; it forbids them to work or receive education without their husband’s express permission; it strips mothers of custody rights to their children in case of divorce; it makes it impossible for wives to inherit land or houses from their husbands; and it even permits marital rape, saying that women cannot refuse sexual relations unless they are sick.

And if those violations of women weren’t enough, it appears that President Karzai approved the law in an attempt to win more votes during an election year. Apparently guaranteeing men the legal right to rape their wives scored high on the felt needs survey for his key swing demographic. This isn’t simply cultural, or a way to “protect” women, as defenders are saying. Expressions of conservative Muslim faith do exist that don’t treat women as pawns to be used by men for their own selfish ends. This is about stripping women of their identity and humanity – controlling all aspects of their lives, including (especially) their bodies.

I’ve heard similar reports out of Iraq. Since the fall of Saddam and the creation of the U.S. approved government, the rights of women have been restricted. Many say that things are worse for women these days in Iraq than they were under Saddam. This seriously bothers me. In all of our attempts to spread freedom and democracy we seem to actually be making things worse for women. And while the U.N. is calling for a repeal of this human rights violation and the British press is reporting on the outrage surrounding the law, I’ve heard very little about it in the U.S. press. Why aren’t we outraged? Why aren’t we standing up to defend the rights of Afghani women?

I have to wonder if we have been so indoctrinated by the anti-feminist rhetoric of pulpits and politicians that as a culture we instinctively shy away from doing anything that might make us seem like man-hating, bra-burning activists. Women in our country can be educated, vote, have a bank account and a job, and yet somehow still think the term “feminist” is a bad word. Freedoms and human rights were fought hard for by our predecessors, who didn’t fear the negative attitudes or hurtful words thrown at them by those who disapprove of equality. We reap the benefits of those pioneers, but are too constrained by cultural ideologies to help bring those same freedoms to other women.

Sometimes though, outrage and activism are exactly what is needed.

"To have written your version is an honorable thing."