The following comes from a personal letter I wrote a couple winters ago.
To give you a little background--> 6 months prior to the evening described below I was serving on the hostile streets of South Central Los Angeles and experiencing the heart of Christ. I only spent a month in Los Angeles, but the precicous, challenging, and heart-wrenching moments I spent there radically impacted my thoughts, behaviors, and life. As you're about to see, even though 6 months had passed since my time in LA, I was still having trouble "adjusting" back into our culture. But as a I re-read this two years later, I realize that I'll never "adjust" back into society and revert back to my former assumptions about humanity and ways of viewing our world. Anyway, here's an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a dear friend while wrestling with the tensions caused by my own personal convictions.
This evening I went to a lavish and extravagant caroling party in a luxurious mansion. Platters of delectable food where arranged in each room, free bar with exclusive top-shelf liquors, hired servants, orate decorations. Painted ceilings with gold trim, murals in the bathrooms, the finest china and the most expensive crystal wear. Middle-aged elites floating from room to room with a loaded drink in hand just drifting through life.
How can this be?
How can this be happening while people are starving and freezing to death tonight, in giant cities and small towns all across America? How can they be stuffing their mouths and not see they are starving? How can a barbershop quartette go room to room singing classic hymns celebrating the birth of Jesus and not have their words pass the crest of their recipients' ears?
How can everyone gather in the grand entryway on the master stairwell for a pomp speech promptly followed by CHRISTmas carols... sin and error pining, the earth felt its weight, holy redeemer, righteous, mercy, grace, salvation, King... and not see it, what will it take for their drunken rosy cheeks to turn pale from the reality of the world (then to certainty in their calling by the great commission and commandment)?
That the blood from starving children and homeless people are on our hands? How can we sing about the redemptive power of Christ, about His majesty, our holy reconciliation... how we they sing about and "agree" with Jesus, but not live like Him? It doesn't work that way!!!
I'm disgruntled by "Christians". Christian has come to mean something far different than Christ intended, its not about "strict religious laws" that govern the new reality TV hit about an EXTREME CHRISTIAN family who has 18 kids, or my friend's "uber religious" extended family who beat their children when they misbehave, or the people at this party making petty jabs at one another from their comfortable and crass state of reality.
An EXTREME CHRISTIAN is John Perkins, is Shane Clairborne, is Mother Teresa, is St. Francis Assis, is Paul, is Mike Sylvester.
Even with all our education and access to information we still disregard humanity and withdraw from her cries. Instead of pouring your money into a crystal glass with a gold rim, how about pouring out our life to change another's- how about investing in eternity- how about opening the 66 book love letter and experiencing the most ravishing love ever known? How about taking down the mask and exposing the deeply rooted pain in an atmosphere of acceptance and support so that they can care for themselves, then others? How about being an Extremist for Grace, or even just banishing the false security of ignorance?
God, turn their hearts, put people IN LOVE with You in their lives, expose them to their needs, bless them with someone to radically love them, give them the courage to go deeper, wreck them with your love, overcome their hearts with your joy, draw near to them in the dark seasons, grasp and cleanse their thoughts, make them yours, let Your Will run wild in their lives.
::loaded sigh:: My hands just left the keyboard to meet my face, to hold it while my mind raced with dichotomous thoughts and a longing. After reading what I want God to do in their lives, I see that I want the exact same thing. I don't want to squander this life. I refuse to drink the lukewarm elixirs of this world that seduce me into believing lies until I been lulled to sleep, wholly ineffective and completely lost. When will I realize those things? How many more times will I look to someone/thing to verify my worth? When will I finally be able to live in freedom? Why is this such an arduous process?
These are people, just like me. But more importantly, these people are God's creation.
Initially I was uncertain if I wanted to attend this party bc ever since Urban Project it has been difficult for me to attend events where wealth oozes from every orifice, dangling most noticeably on the ends of attendees sentences, but I decided to go. I knew it would be extravegent and that I would feel uneasy about it, but that I would also try to enjoy the host's hospitality and graciousness in opening his home to his friends and partners.
I prayed -before I left, during conversations, in each room- that God would break forth with striking truth wrapped in the utmost grace and tenderness as He captured their attention. And for myself, that I would love myself in all my imperfections and love His creation well, engaging others with acceptance and gentleness.
Unfortunately for this letter, like most of the things I write to people, was never actually sent. Instead, this excerpt has spent the last few years roaming around my laptop's hard-drive, only to be inadvertently discovered after speaking with another friend about the difficulties of re-entering "society" after a life changing experience. It's a glimpse of my heart during one of its more combative, conflicted, confused times.
Tell us about a situation you've had a difficult time sorting through... What are some things you question about yourself or societal traditions or cultural norms? Can you come up with a good way to celebrate (the bounty we've been blessed with) while also being morally/socially/biblically conscience? Can rejoicing and grieving be fully experienced at the same time... should they be... what does that mean to you? Expose your thoughts
Okay so you have a lot of questions at the end here. What do I answer?
I think that my response is somewhat controversial because it has to do with Christmas and Easter being pagan holidays that have nothing to do with Jesus.
First of all, we are probably celebrating Jesus birthday on the wrong day. Second of all, we don't celebrate his birthday, we celebrate ourselves, materialism, money, things. Third of all, we lie to children and convince them that this Santa dude delivers presents to good kids and coal to bad kids. In addition to the moral dilemma of deception, I also have a problem with how the idea of "gifts" is presented because what you receive is based on works. But a real gift should be given freely with grace. Isn't that what a gift is?
And as far as Easter goes....I think we should just celebrate Passover, because Jesus was the ultimate Passover lamb. He is the fulfillment of that covenant between God and man, but we don't recognize that. There is so much more meaning in the Passover than in Easter, which is also a pagan holiday.
I could say more, but this is just a comment. I don't want to blog on your blog.
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Can rejoicing and grieving be fully experienced at the same time, should they be, what does that mean to you? Gut instinct is no, but I think a little longer and I can’t accept that. Then I think of the Father and how He must have felt as He paved the way for His people to be redeemed while He watched His Son, His only Son, the One whom He loved, Jesus be crucified and tortured. I try to imagine this unimaginable combination of emotions must have included rejoicing and grieving and so must conclude that they can coexist. Not that I am so naïve as to think that everything which can be accomplished by the Trinity can be accomplished by man, that would be a preposterous assumption, but as a daughter created in His image I feel like emotions might be one of those things that is similar between us.
I really want to think of a time in my life when I can say I have experienced this, simultaneous rejoicing and grieving. I think the closest thing I can come up with is beating Alex in the bronze medal game at Nationals last season. I was so excited to finally make a big, GAME WINNING shot for a medal, but my sister’s face the moment she realized she wouldn’t go home with a medal killed me. I feel like I’m one of her biggest fans, I always want to see her win I hate it when she loses I know how much it means to her, but man at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to win myself. The concept of simultaneous rejoicing and grieving is so interesting to me, this is the closest I can get tonight.
Thanks for sharing Hannah. I find good company with your heart as expressed in your letter. I can't say that I've ever been in such a financially extravagant place or event, but the times I have been faced with financial extravagance, it sickened me, I am thoroughly disgusted. Yet I have been, and still am, one of those people with an abundance of possessions. I ask myself the same questions: how can they spend money on that when others have so much less? Why can't we all live on the same budget? Even those who make more money don't have to have their lifestyle match their income. Why don't they spend just enough to meet their basic needs and redistribute the rest of their financial wealth to those who don't have anything? Yet even I am guilty of this! Ugh! I am torn by my pride and fleshly hunger for material things. If I've worked for these wages then why can't I spend it on things I want? But part of what might be wrong with that mindset is whose money it is - is it really mine or is it still all God's which he has given me, expecting, or at least hoping, that I will distribute it as He pleases - first taking care of my needs, then meeting the needs of others. That mindset wars against another common thought process that I've heard and sometimes face - those less fortunate people don't have anything because they don't work for it, or maybe in other, more hurtful words, don't deserve it, which I guess brings us to the Gospel. None of us deserve it, none of us deserve anything but wrath and death. We had nothing - we were jobless, homeless, dirty, smelly, hungry, with nothing of value except what we have been given - our bodies and breath, brains, skills - everything that exists without money. We were condemned to die on account of our rebellion, stubbornness, and disobedience, and no matter how hard we tried or still try, all our righteous works are like filthy rags - it will never be enough - we MUST die. But we have a hope of life even after death. We can die and suffer the same death for all of eternity or we can die and find new life through the death and resurrection of Christ, who is the only way to find the life we were created to live.
Well, that was a lot more than I intended to write and now I have to run off to make lunch without rereading it. :/
My dear sister, as a minister to Skid Row thank you that your heart was not quick to forget the heart wrenching depravity yosaw when were in LA together. ALSO, I wanted to share that I too feel the pull of the wealth gap and what my role is! Is it just that the people I work with live on the streets but I drive a car and can afford to fly home for holidays. Where is the line?
I truely love you my dear sister and I thank you for the burden
the Lord has placed on your heart for the city.Prayer is sooo powerful, please keep sending them our way :-) MISS YOU beautiful Azar!